what's going on in my friend's lives?

i think i'm a really lousy friend.
i just have so many commitments, i don't have time to rest enough and still have time to meet up with my friends.
i guess maybe it's just an excuse i give to myself all the time, but to a certain extent i think maybe they're not really that interested to meet up also.

not that i'm grumbling/complaining about them( although maybe i am abit), but i just have a very me/myself and i life now. i don't know why, but i just like doing things for ppl. maybe in a bad sense it just makes me satisfied that i'm doing stuff for others, that they're making use of me. and all that fills me up and make me feel better. i think that must be it. i don't think i'm that generous/almighty/wonderful to be so sacrificial. it's rather sad actually.

but maybe i have really weird thoughts because there's no proper avenue for me tell someone how i feel. maybe there is if i try. but it's not comforting enough or maybe subconsciously i'm just blocking everyone out because i wish for something that might never come true.

sometimes i don't think i ask for much, but i understand it's hard to give/get ( depending on which party you're looking at). The other time favril and veendo sent me home, favril was talking about how i don't trust ppl easily (amongst many other things he sees even though we don't talk much). i never thought of it that way but i think i'm starting to do so. and maybe that's why i relate to ave maria so much.

i wish the day would come when i can just tell whatever i feel. but there's the danger of losing the friendship(if you can call it that) totally and i don't want that to happen. sigh. the decisions one has to make in life.